Changes

Sep. 10th, 2013 11:03 pm
robertsloan2: Ari sweet (Default)
Been a while since I posted. Personal news. I changed therapists and ended the therapy relationship with the third of three good, helpful, effective therapists I've ever had in my life. The batting average per all therapists is about one in fifty so far, with local culture factors and the fact that it's a gender clinic raising the chance of another good one here in San Francisco. Many of the culture conflicts that made decent therapists bad ones for me have diminished or been eliminated.

No one in this clinic is ignorant about transgender. Most of them though, are focused on helping people through transition. I'm there beacuse it's the safe clinic to work through post-transition issues and the PTSD from a lifetime of historical horrors. The more political I get, the more I find out how many of my inner demons are outer demons and still there in the world, to varying degree by locality and culture and situation. I know a lot of transpeople had it worse than I did and had less resources to face it.

I know a lot of them are dead and I won't weigh my pain against anyone else's. I just know there are too many suicides and how close I came to being one in this life, how many times.

Julie is the second of three good therapists who let go of me because they stopped being therapists and worked on changing the system instead. There may be something about me or my situation that helps them come to the conclusion it's a good thing to do with their lives. Or in Roland's case, maybe he made too many waves and got bumped upstairs ala Peter Principle. I hope wherever he is that he is making the changes he hoped to. I know she is because I've got her email updates and I'm stunned at how big they are.

As of January, I'll be able to get phalloplasty covered by my state medical plan. The one surgery I just blow off and live without because, well, it costs too much and I have a whole long road to go before I'm up into minimum wage let alone working class let alone afford out of pocket surgeries for something that's not a matter of day to day survival. No, it's for quality of life things like oh, locker rooms. Risk of what would happen if I got busted at a protest.

I didn't go to Occupy because even with lots of other protestors swept in, I did not want to be the only man with a female organ in a men's jail. Not when rape culture, ha ha ha, is as thriving as it is in this decade. Civil disobedience is laudable, but I've always faced cruel and unusual punishment just as any transperson does. The choice of Shawshank Redemption or protection by solitary confinement is which torture's easier to face.

My former therapist was one of the activists who worked on making that phalloplasty decision happen. That is enormous. She's moving mountains.

I'm facing molehills that are mountains in relation to my physical abilities. I still don't have a case manager and need one, because fibromyalgia means I stop being articulate when I'm stressed. Add that to a real, subtle phenomenon: the person who's sick is not the one listened to. Important facts go unnoticed because it's the sick person saying it, not someone abled representing them. This is true in medical situations and also in bureaucracies.

I want out of the system. I can't just keep watching my income stay the same while the cost of living goes up every month, not just every year, by so much. I'm at subsistence level and right now it's stable. But anything can disrupt that fragile balance. The tobacco shop on the corner in walking distance closing might be the one thing that means I quit smoking or cut back dramatically and just to a pipe. Why? Because pipe tobacco's available in walking distance but the filters for rolling cigarettes are at the edge of my mobility limits. It was closed yesterday and it was closed on Monday when I went down on my routine to get the month's supplies.

I'd also need something to replace it. Seriously, something to manage stress that works that fast and matters that much emotionally. Not just physical action replacement, something that actually does, is a thing in my life that is not on the food-shelter level of survival. That tells me I am not yet so far down I will die of it. It matters symbolically. Tobacco is something that helps with the hunger and helps with focus, it does a lot of things for me as a drug, and it is also something I do for myself and reward myself with in small ways as needed. It is a self comforting mechanism and it is also the last grain of luxury in a life of subsistence want.

On the plus side, instead of the signs that say "I didn't survive HIV just to die oflung cancer" at the clinic, I could put up something like "I didn't put up with all the rest of that crud just to support big tobacco."

Quitting as political statement might be emotionally satisfying but I would need to replace it with something or things that serve all its functions, or I lose function and fall back and that pushes me too close to the cliff. It's too bad I can't get to know someone with an organic tobacco farm to trade quantity for quality and keep a very small amount of organic tobacco around as a treat. Go to the "Weekly" level instead of half pack.
robertsloan2: Ari sweet (Default)
It's been a while since I wrote about Talent.

I still believe in my Talent Rant. There is no such thing as Talent. It comes with being human, fluency in my birth language, wanting to write at all. It's motivation.

I have many personal reasons why it was worth all the trouble of learning how to write well enough to finish and sell fiction. They're personal, some are probably common and others aren't. It matters to me. It's become part of my self-identity to think of myself as a Science Fiction Writer. Every now and then I step on a rake of self-recognition and understand something that went into that motivation.

Out of all the macho boy-things and man-things that I could settle on for my future, Science Fiction Writer did not take being able to run, throw or catch a ball, have quick reflexes or even be able to stay on my feet a long time in front of an easel. Being an artist was what other people wanted me to do. Painting is satisfying and I love doing it. I don't produce enough of it to live on and it didn't work as a day job for a writer.

They're similar in some ways, it almost worked to support my writing on my art. Would have worked at the time if I'd had the medication and mobility aids I do now, except that the city it worked in got devastated by Hurricane Katrina and the market changed and it is no longer a cheap place to live. It was never optimal because of climate and social issues. I didn't belong in New Orleans the way I do in San Francisco.

SFWA has recently blown up again in another sexism-racism scandal. This was with John Scalzi as President, someone whose blog I read and perspective I trust. If Scalzi couldn't shut down that level of racism-sexism-bigotry in the industry publication, why would I ever join SFWA? I wanted it, the SFWA card was one of my personal success milestones.

But when I was litle, I wanted to be a Boy Scout. They got to do the cool stuff, camping and canoeing and leather working instead of baking and stupid girly stuff. Girl Scouting was not fun and I didn't stick with it long. I also got in trouble all the time just for being myself because as a transboy, I reacted to everything like a boy. Turned out that Boy Scouts were the creepy right-wing religious and social indoctrinators while Girl Scouts admitted a little girl like me. Points to the Girl Scouts. I think they even do the camping and fun stuff now, that a lot of real girls and women objected to their limits and busted them.

The scandal did two things. One, I read N. K. Jemisin's speech, the one that two old white conservative columnists freaked out over, loved it. On the basis of her speech on racism, I ran over to Amazon and bought two of her books. Much to my delight, she wasn't just a good read. N. K. Jemisin's novels slammed up out of the 'good books' category up into "Irresistible Rereads, Favorite Authors To Read For Style" category along with Ray Bradbury, Harlan Ellison, J. K. Rowling, Stephen King. Baum and a few others. She's gone past Stephen King, because there are King books I didn't like. Well done ones, I just didn't like their themes or characters. So far Jemisin's got me hooked on all levels.

I don't often find new authors I love that much, so that's a treasured experience.

The other is letting go of the SFWA milestone. I don't care. I thought that I was going to go indie with my novels but write and sell enough pro short stories to get my SFWA card. Other writers' associations do accept independent authors as pro, usually on a level of financial success comparable to a new-author pro contract. That's what makes sense to me. It's not which market you take your books to, it's whether once you do it gets successful enough to call it pro. If financial success is going to be a criterion at all, it should be measured by looking at the money earned, not whether you went through X traditional distributors or struck out on your own. Pro publishing has been losing its appeal for me for several years.

I write social SF. My fantasy novels are social SF. I use magic instead of space ships but the tropes of both genres come into it and I'm really looking at the cultures involved. Raven Dance and its universe are pure SF but have some fantasy creatures in it, urban fantasy ones. My vampires and werewolves washed up there, probably because in storyland they belong in cities. Occasionally I dip into horror tropes and turn those into SF by looking at them sideways, taking them as themselves and looking at them in a different context.

Most of my novels talk about monsters that aren't. That's what I was as a little kid - a little boy a lot like other little boys of the bookish, brainy sort. H. P. Lovecraft was a sickly child. Kids that stay in a lot because they're too sick to go out have the time and motivation to lose themselves in books and want to write them.

Before I got out into SF Fandom, I thought it would be an accepting, supportive group. Friendly to future wniters - someone joked that half of fandom wanted to publish a novel. Friendly to who I am and what I read and what I wanted in life. I didn't meet gender expectations and aside from a very small group of personal friends, got frozen out and shunned. I wasn't even capable of meeting gender expectations. I didn't understand them or credit them with any validity.

Now that I'm turning 59 in December, living in San Francisco, living on the edge of deep poverty even in the best place in the country for me to survive, things are different. SF is not a social haven or a supportive community. It's more in need of an overhaul. Yet when I was here before, the political GBLT community had no interest in SFF and looked down on me for being into it. Everything had to be now and topical-realism. Except that's not me either. I'm still that dreamer. I can't just protest. I tell stories.

I look for community and my communities are fragmented. I don't even get out much now. Today, for the first time, I'm going to a free seniors-and-disabled luncheon at the GBLT center. I have a housing clinic to attend this afternoon, it'll cost me $2 to go and $2 to return by Paratransit so I might as well go early and catch the free lunch. Meet people around my age, much closer to it than any other group, find out what they're like and see if I fit in.

Scared to death of this lunch.

I've been burned so many times in so many ways. If it's not one thing, it's another. Poverty and disability issues were a barrier in the pagan community even when they were accepting of my gender. Poverty and disability issues were a barrier in a lot of different situations. Not likely to apply in this one - that's something I'll have in common with others at this lunch along with age.

I'm not just a square peg in a round hole, I'm this weird shaped asymmetrical unique-shape that there isn't a hole anywhere that remotely fits. It always takes knocking out and shutting down some big part of who I am to fit in smoothly. I get a lot of emotional support about my art because I enjoy painting beauty and encourage other artists. If I don't mention politics, I'm reasonably safe in art groups online. Offline there may be problems.

Offline there are often logistic difficulties I can't surmount. Most of all, that's not Who I Am the way being a Science Fiction Writer is. Painting and drawing are things I do for myself because I enjoy them. They're one of my best ways to recuperate from stress and to get a lot of social support with very little time and effort. It doesn't take a lot to go through a bunch of pictures I like and type a few thoughtful targeted compliments. I critique by positive comments on what I do like about someone else's work. It's easier than picking on beginner errors or trying to look for what could be improved, especially in finished works.

They know what's wrong with it by and large, what they need is support that the cool stuff is happening. Sometimes just describing it accurately in neutral and pleasant terms is enough to give both accurate feedback and lift the creator's spirits. There's my personal small protest against the culture of bullying, the culture of vicious personal criticism that's endemic to this country. I don't know what it'd be like to live in a more cohesive, supportive country.

I do the same thing in writers' groups. Some people prefer harsh critique. I can't set myself on a pedestal to know what's wrong with someone else's writing, especially when I can't tell if something is experimental. Did they break a rule on purpose to get an effect? Or did they do that out of ignorance of the rule? I write intuitively by feel and don't even have the 'rules' memorized. But I know how rare support is and it doesn't hurt to give it.

I turn the criticism thing inside out because I got too many people who attacked me on every nit picking topic they could think of. If they took me up head-on about my identity, I'd stand them down. So instead they'd turn it into a thousand small attacks, often about things I couldn't control anyway. My posture or my body odor or my cussing when pushed to the wall or being cussed at, double standards always apply in that sort of bullying.

I also figured it out decades ago why I got discouraged so much from writing and encouraged in art. My pictures could be interpreted without any political or social content. If I draw a leaf, it's still just a leaf. If I write a story, it has a slant. I was incarcerated in a Catholic school while I disagreed with every point of dogma. All the English teachers picked on theme and slant and graded for it at the same time they picked on grammar and spelling. I couldn't tell the difference and the criticism sometimes got witty and vicious.

I was writing the wrong genre and the wrong type of story with the wrong moral. I wasn't writing for the market and nothing would have convinced me to write to that market. Just as today nothing would convince me to write to the market of people who disagree violently with everything I believe is right and true. It's at best deceptive and self destructive, at worst it encourages my enemies and strengthens their grip on society. No reason for me to do that. Least of all money, there are cleaner ways to earn a dollar.

SFWA doesn't mean what it used to for me. I'm still a Science Fiction Writer though. That's part of who I am. SFWA just got dethroned as an authority defining what that is. I wrote a science fiction novel - Raven Dance is one. It's in print, my name's on it. Whether I'm a good Science Fiction Writer or not, I definitely am one and intend to go on doing that. When I get to where I earn a living on it, that's a big real milestone. One that may mean more economic security than I've ever had in my life.

If my books stay in print and keep earning when I'm too sick to do more, then I've got something that keeps going when I can't. Any one of them is a ticket in the Literary Lottery. My chance that a book might break out to turn into a big success improves the better I write and the more books are out there for readers to discover. It wasn't my first one, big deal. Lotteries don't pay off that often - but I can play again and again. Also some past winners get found years after they first went into print, so I can't count anything that isn't a breakout as a failure.

What I need to do is just keep going, edit the novels I have finished and make them available. That's the path. If the only job I ever wanted is the only one I'm capable of doing, so be it. That's better than just giving up. Just giving up means dying, there's nothing better I can do with my life. At any point I considered giving up on my writing, I was also feeling suicidal.

So I'll keep doing it and the heck with authorities of any kind. My readers like it and that's enough for me.

And the good news is that I discovered N. K. Jemisin, whose novels are wonderful. Her style is inspiring too, reading her books gets my writing itch going. I have to do things like that. She's got an original perspective and she's carried the entire genre farther in my direction than I've ever seen. So I've got a new imaginary friend to help coach me on writing. If I ever meet her in person I'll be awed until I get to know her and find out if we like each other. Right now I don't want to, because imaginary friends are important to keeping sane.
robertsloan2: Ari sweet (Default)
The one I often dreamed of doing before the technology existed. https://rally.org/topsurgerythefinalstretch/c/7m9FJgd3sLU Beans is raising money for top surgery, a transgender man who didn't get a lucky tumor is doing this with the help of donors across the internet.

I've had so many friends and even people I didn't know put in money to bring me back online, now I'm paying it forward with a couple of links to good projects, one artistic and one personal. If you don't have the cash, pass it on! I don't have money but I'm grateful for my access and I feel for this man.
robertsloan2: Ari sweet (Default)
I've been sitting on an ever-growing stack of science fiction and fantasy novels since I published Raven Dance in 2000. Every year I participate in NaNoWriMo and usually the 3 Day Novel contest too, either officially or just by spending Labor Day Weekend writing a new short novel.

I just keep writing them and stacking them up in my hard drive. Editing is a daunting task especially when all of them have the same problems that I need to overcome in order to produce good professional quality work. I decided to go indie some time back after watching the way the publishing industry changed and keeps changing.

90% of the delays are due to physical or financial hardship. I'm a disabled 58 year old transman who only worked full time for about a decade and never did get ahead enough to get past basic survival, let alone pay for needed medical care. I never got insurance because I was trans and I wasn't going to take that money out of necessities like rent and bills and food for self and significant other if it didn't cover my gender reassignment treatment. Disability, trans and aging all combined to a perfect storm and I was homeless for a long time, sub-marginal long before I was homeless, sub-marginal all through the 90s even if some of that was actually one of my most prosperous times in terms of physical comforts.

The other 10% is something uglier. Self acceptance, choice of living stealth or being out of the closet and wimping out on my GBLT themes and social science fiction themes. I've sweated over that all along.

If the right thing to do is stand up for my rights and link arms with anyone else who's gotten oppressed for any reason (which does make for a pretty HUGE majority), then I should write my brooks true to my view of life and just find my readership. Trust that it's out there. Trust that some people will read a blog entry about transgender issues and find out I do SFF and check it out because they are sick of wimpy princesses who don't act like real ones, sick of main characters always being straight-white-cisgender-male, sick of science fiction that doesn't question society and make you think. I definitely fall closer to Ursula K. LeGuin and Ray Bradbury and all than I do to the current crop of rocket men.

I don't even have anything against the quest of the rocket men.

I don't think it's pointless to reach for the stars. I think that's a lot better thing to do as a human endeavor than 'try to kill off lots of other people for their customs/religion/want their stuff' and it can solve other problems on Earth because good science is not a waste of effort.

It's just that's not my story. No matter how much some of it looks like fantasy fiction, it's actually social SF about culture and adapting to technology and interacting with people who aren't like you. It's what it is and I'm who I am. So maybe this post is like those moments heroes decide to do the dang fated thing anyway. It beats not doing it by a lot, because not doing it is stupid and doesn't solve anything.

I never could run. I had to learn to fight.
robertsloan2: Ari sweet (Default)
I had a hard childhood. Numerous reasons for it, some of them political and some of them not. Physical disability would've made it hard even if I'd been raised by physically healthy and wealthy Unitarians who were completely accepting of everything about me that wasn't Normal.

I wasn't a normal child either. This week my therapist, the good one who comprehends fibromyalgia and physical disability as well as trans issues and emotional stuff, blew my mind again. She popped out with another zinger.

If I had been a normal child I wouldn't have survived my childhood.

That's a little freaky to contemplate. I don't have any memory of ever being like children are supposed to be. The biggest thing about me that everyone kept trying to pound out of me was lack of "innocence" i.e. gullibility.

I blew it off to having a high IQ at the time. That meant a lot to my parents. They crowed over it but also freaked out over it being "too high to be stable." I wasn't normal but that was a thing like having super powers, not entirely undesirable.

I didn't believe it was all my fault. Most abused children do. It gets beaten into them that they deserved it. I wound up getting punished so much that punishment lost all its meaning.

I've heard grown men raised by alcoholics tell me seriously "I'm a loser. I'm a total failure, no good at anything and never will be. My dad said that and it's true. It's just what I am, a loser."

I got told those same things. Exactly those words. I didn't believe it. Now I'm thinking back and feeling differently about what I was like as a kid. In some ways I've always just been myself. Not all the things that weren't normal about me were bad things.

My therapist was right. A normal child would have died. I didn't hate myself. I hated my situation, that isn't the same thing at all. I don't feel bad about it either. I still don't think Ignorance is a virtue.

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